DnD4 Countdown 5 - Editing 101

Todays post is not so much about DnD4 as it's an observation on a trend in rpg-writing in general. Earlier today, I saw this text describing the new game from White Wolfe called Hunter: the Vigil. Although I'm excited about the game, something about the text didn't click at all.

Now, let me first point you to the writers guidelines at Steve Jackson games. In this case, take a look at #6. It's about overuse of words and long sentences. In the guidelines it's said that a lot of words can be taken away without losing the intended meaning. I will add to that, and say that in some cases you can actually add feeling and intensity through removing "padding text". I have encounterd (and read about it) numerous times.

So, today I actually sat down and trimmed the text. Partly this was to actually understand it better myself. I'm aware that it's not perfect, but I think that the trimmed text conveys the message and substance across better than the original one.

Around the world, the vast majority of hunters face the supernatural armed with little more than their wits, willpower, and whatever supplies they can gather from the local sporting goods store.
Some hunters, though, by dint of powerful backers or stores of ancient relics or a supposed fallen angel in the family tree, have access to tools beyond those that ordinary men and women can acquire. Some would argue that these tools make them every bit as unnatural as the things they profess to hate—how much difference is there, really, between a witch who calls down lightning from the sky and a man who has implanted a swarm of insect monsters into his body to use as a weapon?
Others counter that, to destroy the monsters that hide in the shadows with any chance of success, a hunter needs every edge he can get. Endowments, unlike the powers of supernatural beings, are not their own category of Trait. They are simply a new category of Merit, and are purchased with Merit dots just like any other.

And the trimmed version:

Hunters face the supernatural armed with wits, willpower, and whatever supplies they find in a sporting goods store.
Some hunters, though have access to tools beyond those that ordinary men and women can acquire. Some would argue that these tools make them just as unnatural as the things they hunt—how much difference is there between a witch who calls down lightning from the sky and a man who has implanted a swarm of insect monsters into his body?
Others counter that, to destroy the monsters a hunter needs every edge he can get. Endowment are not their own category of Trait. They are simply a new category of Merit, and are purchased with Merit dots just like any other.

It might need additional work, but overall, this text is clearer and has more punch than the first one. One could argue that some info on the origins of these powers should be added (the "stores of ancient relics..."-part), but in this case I would make it a separate paragraph, rather than making an already long sentence even longer.

As I said, I have seen this trend in RPG-publishing some time now (with my fellow countrymen being major offenders here. Swedish RPG's are often written horribly bad). My hopes are that DnD4 will be written clearly and elegantly but not all to dry or formal.